Mahabharat – GITA Sanvad on Junk-Mails

Arjun being disillusioned & Krishna trying to clear that disillusionment…

Krishna : Try to respect the e-mails of your elders, Arjun.

Arjun : But Vasudev, how dare I send junk mails to my honourable elders who are logged on honourable domain?

Krishna: Paarth, at this moment they neither are your friend nor your foes. They are mere mail-users. So follow your Net-dharma. Logon and send dozens of junk mails. This is your Karma and this alone is your Dharma.

Arjun : Hey Murari ! After seeing all this I feel like resigning from Software Industry.

Krishna : Bandhu, it seems you are caught in a viscous circle of Maaya. In this material world you have none and you are commited to none. Junk mails have existed before you came to this world and shall remain long after you are gone. Rise above this Maaya and perform your duty. Just keep firing junk mails.

Arjun : But Devaki Nandan………..!

Krishna : …..Victory or failure is not in your hands. So stop pondering about results. Don’t waste your knowledge on the junk shastra bestowed by your Guru Dronacharya. Ekalavya has learned just with the statue of his guru Dronacharya….

Arjun : Hey Keshav, how is junk mail related to the system ?

Krishna : Junk mail is just junk mail. It has no connection with Hardware. However, it is another aspect that it overloads the system….fills up the hard disk.. but you are not supposed to worry about it. Listen Kunti putra, the way Aatma leaves one physical body and moves onto another, likewise these junk mails move from system to system. There are some who keep on creating Junk and spreading among the masses thinking that they are very great and are here to teach everybody. It fulfils their ego. These junk mailers never recognise anothers feelings, they just bombard them.

Arjun : How can one define junk mail ?

Krishna : Neither fire can burn it.., nor air can dry it..neither it can be conqured nor it can be defeated. He who sends junk mails cannot be looked down upon even by Mahadev..Junk mails are immortal.

Arjun : Hey Narayan ! Now all my ‘fandaas’ on junk mail are crystal clear. You have opened my eyes Yashoda Nandan, else I would have lost myself in Maaya and read all the junk mails myself.

Most Insulting Elegant Letter to Office Employees

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination) . Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants and Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

The Perfect Groom

[Translation from Satpatra by Sukumar Roy]

In Posta, I heard it being said
That you are getting your daughter wed
That Gangaram is the groom to be-
Want to know his pedigree?
After all, he aint a bad man
Though his color is highly tan.
The shape of his face is right
Like the owl that comes at night.

In studies, I would like to state
Its hard to find someone so great-
Nineteen times he tried to pass
The matric when he stopped at last.

Asset wise they are also fine
Being slightly over the poverty line.
His brothers are not at all bad
One’s headstrong, the other’s mad,
The third son was brought up well-
He forged banknotes and went to jail.
Playing tabla is what the youngest knows-
He earns five bucks from standup shows.

Gangaram is often down in bed
With ailments of the spleen and head
But his lineage is a royal one-
His forefather being King Kansh’s son
And Shyam Lahiri of Bonogram
Is somehow related to Gangaram.

Now, of course, I feel, without a doubt
That a groom like him would make you very proud.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson – Hilarious

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”

Pakistani Maths Question Paper

Instructions:

i) Students found copying will be shot on the spot.

ii) Any student coming late after 10 minutes after the exam starts will be forced to join Al Qaida group.

iii) AK-47′s and Grenades are not allowed in the exam hall. Students may keep their daggers, Revolvers and pack of anthrax bombs only for self defense.

Math Exam Time 3 hours Full Marks 100. All questions are compulsory.

1. Abdul was sent to jail for murder. He has 7 wives in his house.

Abdul distributed money to his wives in such a proportion that the youngest and most recent wife receives maximum and oldest wife gets minimum, and each wife gets double of her former competitor. Abdul has 1700 rupaye left in his house. Abdul’s oldest wife needs at least 25 rupaye per month. Find out the time when Abdul will have to break Jail to come out and earn money so that his wives do not starve.

2. Karim is a Drug seller. Prices per gram of Marijuana, hasis, haroine and LHD s are 50, 60, 70, 80 Rupaye respectively. Karim offers a discount of Rupaye 20 for his buyers who buy more than 50 grams of drug. If Rahim, a buyer gets Rupaye 37 discount, find out the grams of LHD he bought.

3. Imran tampers the ball thrice per over. He deforms the ball .02% of its original shape each time. Find the percentage deformation the ball due to tampering in a one day series against India in which Imran bowled 9.3 overs.

4. Rauf has a Company named Al Allah Kidnapping & Murder Private Limited. He has to threat 10 people per day over Telephone. 40% of the people he threats are cinema stars in Mumbai, 30% are Businessman in Delhi, 20% are Cricket Players in Madras and 10% are shopkeepres in Calcutta. If ISD charges are rupaye 15, 25, 40, 50 per minute from Rauf’s city Islamabad to Bombay, Delhi,Calcutta and Madras respectively and he gets a Telephone bill of 10,230 Rupaya in a month Find out The No of Cinema stars in Mumbai, threatened in that particular month.

5. A terrorist group has to provide one Ak 47.one AK 49, one Rocket Launcher, 50 Grenades and one pack of RDX to its Ron roots for training. One AK 47 costs 100$; One Ak 49 costs 150 $, A Bazuka rocket Launcher costs 250 $, grenade is 3 $ each, a pack of Rdx Bomb attached with remote Control is 500 $.
The terrorist group admits 2000 new people every year out of which 30 % are court-martialed. Find the amt of Foreign Money Pakistani Govt has to provide each year to run such a group.

6. If stabilty of democratic Govt. in Afghanistan is given by the following equation X exp3 +X exp2 -16 = i, where the notations have their usual meaning; Find out x.

7. Probaliblity of an Pakistani prime minister to be shot is 78 %.

Probabilty of a Military general to be shot is 80%.

Find the joint probability of a Prime minister to be shot who is also a Military general.

8. Find out geometrically the area of Paktunistaan using PI Theorem with Osama BIn Ladens Correction (That is taking the value of PI = 786 instead of 3.14….), if Paktunistaan is taken as a heptagon.

9. A ‘GHAURI’ missile tries to fly from Drass to Kargil which is not too far from Drass (say 100 miles) and is exactly to the East of Drass. The wind is blowing from the South and the speed of the wind is exactly equal to the speed of the airplane. (The speed of the airplane is measured with respect to the air!) The pilot decides to steer straight to Kargil all the time during the flight.

Will the airplane ever reach Kargil? What if the speed of the wind is k times the speed of the airplane, where k is a positive number (can be greater or less than 1)? Try to sketch the trajectory of the airplane (with respect to the ground, of course) in each of the three cases:

k = 1, k > 1 and k < 1.

10. Briefly discuss the Unsolved problem of “Bisection of a Triangle” with a Compass and an unmarked ruler if the triangle is named as KASHMIR.